My battle with invisible infertility 

Invisible infertility? Is there really such a thing? If you had asked me 3 years ago I would tell you you’ve lost your mind! Today however, I’m living proof of it. I’m not talking about the invisible pains that women go through while trying to conceive. That is a real issue that so many women face and it’s brutal to so many. I’m talking about one issue after the next that fits no medical criteria for diagnosis. 
At Punks second birthday, September 2014, we made our big announcement. We were pregnant with baby #2!! I knew at 4 weeks and the pregnancy test proved me right at 5 weeks. There was no hiding it either. To as stranger at the grocery store, I just looked to be just a heavier woman. But to close family and friends you’d think I was having twins! I was buying maternity clothes and bigger bras even. The twin thing crossed my mind a time or two. 
We went in for our 8 week appointment only to find that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. She had us come back in two weeks to make sure baby was growing like it should be. Unfortunately it was not. My little peanut never got any bigger. At 11 weeks and no growth we made the choice to have a DNC. As I sit here writing this, tears streaming down my face, I remember it all like it was yesterday. To know that there was a tiny little baby inside me but it was already gone. No growth and no heartbeat. At 11 weeks along, the baby never grew past 6 weeks. In those moments I didn’t know how I was ever going to get through it. I prayed and begged God for strength. I couldn’t function. I could even be a mother to my then 2 year old daughter sitting right by my side wondering why I was crying. 

The day came for the DNC and suddenly I had the most peace I had felt in nearly 6 weeks of all this torment. I knew that God had a plan for me. I couldn’t see it yet, but I had faith. Faith is what got me through my hardest days. The procedure was over and life was to resume as “normal”. Whatever normal might be after such an ordeal. The Dr said that I should have my period within two to six weeks. Six weeks later it came. And then two week after that. And again two weeks after that. I called the Dr and she informed me that each person is different and our bodies all take their own path in healing but assured me that all would return to normal within a couple of months… Normal didn’t happen for me. 6 months of bleeding every two weeks was taking a toll on me AND my family. I was clearly bothered, not focused, patience wearing thin and trying to keep it together for my family. Intimacy with my husband was non existent. I felt broken and less of a woman. After several tests and everything looking “normal”, at this point I’m really starting to hate this word, the Dr said I was just not ovulating. That’s it? Ok and meds will fix this? Whew! 

But she wanted to send me to a fertility specialist to confirm and get the meds. That appointment was booked over a month out. In the meantime my ovaries began to hurt. To the point that I was wondering if something was going to rupture. Great just what I needed! Sonogram confirmed tons of tiny little cysts my ovaries. The Dr threw out the term polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS. And still wanted me to see the specialist. With that knowledge we anxiously made it to appointment day. And his sonogram showed clear healthy ovaries. Ummm excuse me what?! So I’m fine? Where did they go? No answers. He concluded that I need to lose weight, at least 10 pounds and my body should self regulate or he could give me a medication called Metformin to make me ovulate. I chose to see if I could lose the weight on my own without the meds. 

And wouldn’t you know it two weeks later we learn we are pregnant again!! Unbelievable! And when I say unbelievable, no really I don’t believe it! I just had a clear sonogram and there was no baby in there. But my boobs were killing me, my face looked like a teenage boy and the pregnancy test all confirmed pregnant! A little in disbelief and excitement, I had bloodwork done to confirm and check quantitive numbers to make sure all was as it should be. Discouraging news from the Drs office called to say that numbers just were not where they needed to be. Two more rounds of bloodwork and low quantitive levels led to another sonogram. There was nothing there. It was a chemical pregnancy this time. I just didn’t know how much more I could take! What is wrong with me? I had one perfect and beautiful pregnancy, why was it so hard to conceive another child?! So many thoughts and emotions flooded my already weak mind. Almost one year later to the day and another “11 weeks along” with no baby inside, I wanted this nightmare to be over. I opted for the medicine to assist a home miscarriage and even that didn’t go as planned. At this point I want to trade in my body for a new one. I kept telling my husband that I was a walking form of Murphy’s Law. Two weeks of this medicine and finally my body was able to let go. I had heard horror stories of home miscarriages but God knew I wasn’t strong enough for that.

 This time was easier mentally only because I knew that there was no little peanut inside. Still a very traumatic thing to endure but I didn’t feel as much sadness as I did I anger. Not at God but at myself. How could I let my body get this out of shape and worn down? How could I not take care of the body that God has blessed me with? Why did I let myself get so overweight? I let myself down for sure but I also felt like I let my husband down and my daughter who was wanting a sibling. 

After a few months my hubby and I decided maybe we were good with just one child. I was over it. All my joy had been taken away and I literally just didn’t have the “want” anymore. I became ok with it. But a growing little 3 year old beauty kept asking for a baby. “Mommy can you say a prayer for God to give you another baby?” How do you say no to that?! Haha! 😍 We decide to stop taking my birth control and just my luck, no period. For 4 months I still didn’t have a period. Just when I think my body is a broken mess, God proved me wrong. I needed to trust God and his plans for my life and stop worrying about my own plans. His are always bigger and better anyways! 😉 

FINALLY, 3 months of my body doing what it’s supposed to. No baby yet but at least my body is cooperating! I have faith and hope and I trust that what God has planned for my life will happen in his time, when he is ready. And I will say “yes” to whatever God has in store for me! I may not have had a medical diagnosis of infertility, but all the signs and symptoms in my struggles were just as real. Like so many with issues and no answers or explanations.

If you are struggling with infertility, please know that you are not alone! Your feelings ARE valid and it’s ok to speak up about your situation. Whatever that might be, God has a plan for your life. He wants you to have faith in him! And Give Him the glory whether your wants/needs happen the way you want them to or not. Trust in him!

Xoxo,

Toni

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One thought on “My battle with invisible infertility 

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart Toni. I too have experience loss. And now that I find myself in a new happy marriage (after years of praying for a good man) we are now facing infertility hurdles! Thank you for the encouragement!

    Liked by 1 person

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